Monday
Ahhh Monday morning, my favourite
time of the week. The hustle and bustle of the weekend is behind me
and now I can finally relax. It gets fair headwreckin' around here of
a Saturday and Sunday let me tell you; people coming and going,
sitting and chatting, walking and laughing, and most of 'em don't
even have the decency to give me an oul scratch. Fuckers. Well
they're all gone now and I'm in charge again, I know Daddy and Sheena
still live here but I'm the boss and I think they know that.
Not sure what I'll get up to today,
must check the post first anyway. Nope, nothing, nada, just bills and
shite for them other eejits, all these years and I've still never
gotten even so much of a postcard. Sometimes I wonder do people even
know I exist. I go out in the kitchen and have a little sniff around,
still some of yesterday's dinner there but it doesn't look too
promising, then again what do I know sure I'm half blind! The
maddening thing is I can smell a dentistix but I'm fucked if I can
find it. I spend a solid half an hour looking for it and eventually
give up when I hit my head off the leg of the table for the umpteenth
time.
I decide to watch guard for a few
hours. I'm an unbelievable guard dog, probably one of the best in
Ferrybank if not the whole of Waterford. I sit at the top of the
stairs and keep an eye on the door for any intruders, and if anyone
comes I shout my head off till they run away in terror. Not one
break-in in over fourteen years – beat that Eircom phonewatch!
After a while I get bored of keeping watch, people are obviously so
scared that they don't dare come near, my reputation precedes me at
this point. A little nap I think.
I'm awoken from my slumber by the
sound of a key in the door, “Wha! Who's that”, I run out ready
for action but it's only my sister Sheena. “Hi fluff”, she says,
I've never understood this; my name is Pixie but this wan insists on
calling me fluff, I'm confused enough as it is without people
changing my name. Anyway I follow her out to the kitchen cos she's
usually good for a biccie or two, and right enough she chucks a
couple in my general direction. After a brief search I locate them
both and snaffle them down quicker than you can say “Is me name
Pixie or Fluff?”
Wouldn't mind heading outside for a
wee wee now so I shout at Sheena to let me out, “Hey, hey, hey,
HEY”! She eventually gets the message and opens the front door for
me and off I go. Not a sinner about today, that Sam Brown fella is
probably hiding from me cos he knows I've a bone to pick with him
(see what I did there, BONE? Haha I'm hilarious). Anyway he can't
hide forever I'll catch up with him eventually. In the meantime I
decide to walk all the way down to the Silverwood sign and shout at
cars for a while. Some laugh. By the time I get back and call Sheena
to leave me in I'm rather tired so I decide another nap is in order,
this has been a very tiring Monday so far.
I wake up in my bed in the
sitting-room; which is weird cos I could have sworn I went to sleep
in the garage. Anyhoo Daddy is home so I go over and sit beside him
for a while, he gives me a little rub behind me ears which is nice. I
go out to see what's cooking and it looks like chicken for dinner,
not my favourite but it'll do. I wait for my plate to come
out.....and I wait some more....they serve up......and I wait some
more........where's my plate lads? Feck sake, looks like a bout of
begging is in order. I sit beside Sheena and give her my most
mournful look, interjecting it with the occasional whine. Eventually
my efforts are rewarded with a few titbits but its not enough and I'm
forced to eat some of that Pedigree Chum shite that they put in my
bowl. A bad end to the day.
Tuesday
I didn't sleep well at all last
night, probably cos I decided I need to go out for a sniff at four in
the morning. Funny thing is sometimes I ask Daddy to leave me out the
back and then I forget what I wanted to go out for. Last night I woke
up busting for a wee wee and woke him up to let me out. But then by
the time we went downstairs I couldn't remember what I wanted to go
out for! So I'm out the back in the freezing cold and I'm thinking
“What the fuck did ya bring me down here for boy eh”? I did some
sniffing and a bit of investigating and I was just about to head back
in when I realised I needed to do a poo. So I did one. And then after
all that I didn't even do me wee wee. It's mad being old!
You'd think I'd be bored at home on
my own all day but I'm really not. I have a busy schedule and I like
to keep to it, I'm a creature of habit really. So after checking the
post and sniffing out any stray biscuits I do a few laps of the
house, it's important to keep fit at my age, before I have my
mid-morning nap. Then I watch guard for a while and do a bit of
shouting just in case anyone is trying to sneak in unbeknownst to me.
And sure before I know it the lads are home again!
When Sheena lets me out today I spot
Sam Brown straight away, no mean feat when you can only see outta one
eye. Truth is I probably smelled the dirty yoke before I saw him.
Anyway I ambles over to him, “Hey Sam ya big fleabag how's the
form”, “Alright Pixie girl how are you, not seen ya in a while”?
The cheek of him, he knows full well why he hasn't “seen me in a
while”. I keep calm despite my growing rage, “I was under house
arrest wasn't I”?, I say, waiting to see if he'll cop on. “Were
ya”? The big dope says, “what did ya do have another shit on the
sitting-room floor”? The fecker is laughing at me now! “No”, I
reply, “I had to stay in cos I had fleas, and where dya think I got
them”? “Down in Spar”? He says, the cheeky prick. At this point
I just walk away, “You and me Sam, we're finished, dya hear me”?
He just laughs again, he knows I'll be back, I always come back.
That evening, after tea, me and
Daddy have an argument. I'm a bit bored so I decide to shout at him
for a bit. “Hey, hey, hey”, cough cough cough, “Hey,
hey, hey”, I says to him, “Inta bed Pixie”, he replies! It's
not time for bed Daddy it's only 7.30!! He leaves me out the front
then and even though I didn't really want to go out I humour him and
go for a little wander. Sometimes I think he doesn't understand me at
all.
Wednesday
Niamh is here today, not that it
makes any difference to my day, bitch doesn't even talk to me
anymore. So I ignore her. Problem is she doesn't even realise I'm
ignoring her so it's all a bit pointless really. Not to worry I'll
just scratch the shit outta her door and cough all over her face the
next time she's staying over. That other fella is with her, can never
remember his name. Sometimes he rubs me so he's alright, he's no
Pieman though, I love that guy. Wonder when he's coming to visit
again, he's brill.
I have to go to 'the man in the
white coat who pokes and prods at me' in the afternoon. Apparently my
cough is bad so I need to get poked and prodded, sigh, just
leave me have a little sleepie and I'll be fine. Anyway Sheena brings
me and we're in the waiting room with all the other animals that have
coughs. There's a big freak in there the likes of which I've never
seen before, I know I'm a small dog but this lad is ridiculous; all
floppy jowels and gangly legs, what a sight he is! I can barely stop
laughing at him but I quieten down when someone comes in with one of
them weird things with the big ears that eat carrots. They scare the
shit out of me! I ask Sheena can we go home but she just tells me to
ssshhhh, easy for you to say you're not terrified of that
pink-eyed nutter over in the corner.
When we go into 'the man in the
white coat who pokes and prods at me' he's all friendly as if he's
forgotten about the last time. I haven't forgotten let me tell you.
Bastard almost killed me with his big needle and now he has the cheek
to act as if nothing happened, “How's Pixie”, “Aww the poor
mite”, fuck you boy and if you even attempt to stab me again I'll
cough all over ya. Luckily he just does some poking and prodding this
time and before I know it we're away out the door. On the way I do a
little shout at pink-eyes, haha have that ya big eejit.
Thursday
I sleep all day today, clearly
exhausted from yesterday's exertions. I dream that I'm a sniffer dog
for the drugs squad and I become so famous that I'm on telly with
Ryan Tubridy, I'm chatting away to him and he understands every word,
gwan Tubbers. Then I dream that I give up the drugs game and become a
showdog instead. Me and Sheena go to Crufts and I win the whole thing
in my first year, “It's unprecedented”, they say, “A remarkable
achievement for a first year rookie”, “What breed is she”?, the
fans cry, “I'm a Pixie”, I tell them, “a pixie.
Friday
Brilliant news. Michael is home. I'm
so happy. He always minds me. Plus this means Christine will be here
too, she's great. Sometimes I just sit and stare at her and think to
myself “you're great”. I'll probably do that later for a while if
she's here. Usually I hate Fridays cos of all the people but I'm in
good form today, I even talk to Sam Brown for a while and he
apologises for being a big flea ridden bastard. Kinda feel sorry for
him really cos his owners obviously don't give a shit whether he's
clean or not. I bathe at least once every fortnight I'll have you
know.
Just when I think this day can't get
any better The Pieman arrives! Wahey he's some craic, he even
scratches my arse the feckin fool, rather him than me. So now I've
got loads of people to annoy erm I mean chat to. We're all in the
sitting-room shooting the breeze but I don't think I'm getting enough
attention so I decide to shake things up a bit. I scratch at the
door, yes, hello I'm here, and I'd like to go out this way please,
oh I know I can go the other way but I choose to go this way, now
open the door sucker, works a treat and I feel wanted again. So I
do a few laps and then stare at Christine for a while, she's great.
Pieman scratches my arse and asks me how am I getting on, grand
thanks boy and yourself.
Then they all start disappearing and
heading off out the door, I feel a bit lonely but I go over and lie
under Daddy's feet. He's watching Tubridy and chortling away to
himself, I'll be on that one day Daddy just you wait and see.
As promised I get my own back on
Niamh by going to her door at six in the morning and scratching it
till my paws bleed. I hear them complaining so I do some shouting and
a few coughs, have that! Then just as they're about to let me in I
sprint back to bed and pretend to be asleep, Pixie 1 Niamh 0.
Saturday
Again I wake up in a weird place. On
a pillow in Sheena's room. How on earth did I get here? Tis lovely
though. Herself and The Pieman invite me up onto the bed but I don't
like being on beds, well it's not so much that I don't like being on
them, it's just I'm not able to get down from them. Once I was
trapped on a bed for four hours, I couldn't get down and had to call
for help. Scary.
I mooch downstairs and there's all
sorts going on, can never remember everyone's name; Anne Glascott,
Nora & Mollusc, Auntie Marlon....utter confusion. But it's also
utter heaven in terms of food, time to make hay while the weather is
good I say to myself as I spring into action. I swear I could win an
Oscar I'm such a good actor, these eejits don't realise I'm better fed
than they are as I whinge and whine my way though ham, chicken,
cheese and even a cheeky bit of beef. Life is good sometimes.
Fed to the gills I retire to the
garage for a snooze but I've barely shut my eyes when I hear an all
too familiar sound, a sound that fills me with dread. It's the curly
child, oh no. He comes in with Niamh and Shamo and immediately starts
chasing after me, chasing! Me! I'm nearly ninety years old and I'm
expected to leave this lunatic run around after me purely for his
entertainment. Spare me. I have no choice but to play along cos God
knows what would happen if he ever caught me. So I trot around for a
full nine minutes before Sheena picks him up and spares my life. Well
that's over for another week I say as I finally get to bed and have a
lovely power-nap where I dream of Tubby and marrying Sam Brown.
When I wake up there's more food.
Daddy has done the shopping which means Dentistix, I'm kinda gone off
them though, they were great at first but now; meh. But wait what's
this he has for me, a....is it......it can't be......it is!!!! A
BONE!! YEESSSSS! BONE, BONE, BONEY, BONE, BONEY BONEY BONE,
BONEBONE!! And the size of it! Tis bigger than meself. Ha, if Sam
Brown could see me now. I take it in my jaws and nearly fall over
with the weight of it, me poor ole teeth will never get through this
yoke. But first up I have to hide it. Every dog knows that the first
rule of bone-keeping is to find a good hiding place for it. I decide
upstairs in my bed is the best place for it. Some job bringing it up
the stairs though, jaysus tis hard enough getting myself up em
without carting a cow's leg with me and all!
I carefully hide it under my bed in
Daddy's room and head downstairs barely able to keep from laughing.
“Where's your bone Pixie”? They ask, ha as if I'm tellin' ye, oh
you'd love that wouldn't ye? Pixie the big eejit tells ye where the
bone is and before i know tis after being whipped. No chance. But
shit, where is the bone? Oh no. NO! NOOOO! I can't remember for the
life of me where I left it. Left what? What am I talking about? Feck
this, I'm off for a snooze.
I go upstairs for a nap so as not to
be disturbed by all them nutters and guess what I find in my bed?! A
bone! A bloody massive one! Daddy must have left it there as a
surprise. Brilliant. I gnaw and gnash at it for a while before I
start to get paranoid. What's that noise? Is someone trying to steal
my bone? Only thing for it is to hide the blasted thing. Everyone
knows the first of bone-keeping is to find a good hiding place for
it. I decide that downstairs in my bed in the sitting-room is the
best spot imaginable but my dilemma is sneaking past them scoundrels
without them seeing.
So I take this monstrosity in my gob
and creep silently down the stairs. I can hear voices but they seem
to be coming from the kitchen. IN the blink of an eye I'm in behind
the couch and the bone is under my bed. Haha, have that I say
triumphantly. Bones are great.
I spend the rest of the evening
hiding and re-hiding the bone. A couple of times I forget I even had
it and the buzz of discovering it for the first time is truly
amazing. Being forgetful doesn't half have its benefits at times. But
with great power comes great responsibility and the pressure of
having this bone and ensuring no-one steals it is getting to me. I'm
almost relieved when Daddy takes it and chucks it out the back.
Chances are I'll find that in a couple of weeks and be dead excited
all over again.
Sunday
Another week done and dusted. I
spend most of the morning chilling in the sitting-room with The
Pieman, sometimes he talks to me as if I can talk back, bit thick
this fella. There's a decent dinner on the go and hopes are high that
my yellow plate will be brought out of the press. I get under
everyone's feet and make a general nuisance of myself so they won't
forget about me. “Yellow plate, yellow plate, yellow plate”, I
whine in anticipation and for a while it looks like I'm all out of
luck. Daddy takes out loads of plates, white ones, blue ones, red
ones, but yellow one? Nada.
I've resigned myself to another
session of begging when yes there it is, the yellow plate! Before I
know it it's filled up with all manner of goodness and the highlight
of my week is here. The Sunday roast, ya can't beat it! I munch and
chew and slurp my way through the whole thing in a record time of 42
seconds before heading to the dining-room for a bit of a begging. Hey
ya can't blame a dog for trying? Michael remains true to form and
looks after me like I knew he would, Pieman is a hopeless cause as
he's too busy stuffing his own fat face to even take any notice of
mine. But eventually I get something from almost everyone and I head
to the garage to bask in the stench of my own farts.
I wake up and hear familiar voices,
Jimmy and Josephine by the sound of things. They're nice. Ah look
Nora and Mollusc are here too. A right ole crowd. They're eating
human biscuits, no not biscuits made out of humans, biscuits which
humans eat! I salvage a few of them before deciding to get my bone.
But what dya know?! It's been stolen! I knew this would happen. I
turn my back for five minutes and the bastards have robbed it. Bet ya
it was this Shamo fella, I could see him looking at it all morning.
The thieving fucker, I'll cough all over him the next time I see him.
Ah sure look there'll be other
bones, no point in getting cross. I shout at Jimmy and Josephine for
a while, scratch at the door to let em know I exist and do a few laps
of the sitting-room just for a laugh. And with that I'm off to bed
for some dreams of Tubby and how to gain revenge on that feckin
bone-stealing prick.
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